Pennsylvania Zombie Response Team

I’m The Rapid Response Social Worker Who Replaced The Police

It's not an easy job. In fact, it's impossible, but it's for social justice!
June 5, 2020 By David Marcus

Quote:I’m not gonna lie, this isn’t exactly what I expected — lying here in the hospital. I mean, it’s only a few broken bones, a punctured lung, and some stitches to the head, but I almost feel betrayed. Three weeks ago when I took the five-hour online course to become an unarmed rapid response social worker, I thought I was helping mankind. After all, with the police abolished, somebody had to be there to mitigate when people had inevitable disagreements.

My first mitigation didn’t go great. I was called to the scene of a bank robbery — which, there weren’t supposed to be any bank robberies once the capitalist-driven oppression of the police no longer created crime, but this guy apparently didn’t get the memo, I guess. He was a Latinx male-presenting person about 5’6” holding a shotgun.

Thinking back on my extensive training, I tried to calm things down with a breathing exercise. But he just kept yelling and pointing the gun at me, which again, not supposed to happen. I told him that as a white cis man, I could never know the trauma the Spanish-speaking people suffered under white genocidal maniacs like Cortez, and while his desire to rob the bank was understandable, even laudable, we have collectively decided not to support such actions, and resources were available to him.

That’s when he hit me in the head with the butt of his gun; I think it was the butt of his gun, anyway. When I woke up, I realized this job was not going to be as easy as I thought it would be. That was just one person, though — one person who is really rich now. But to assume he represented the entire criminal class would have been the height of privilege, right? And after all, it’s only money, and a slight concussion.

The next day went remarkably better. I was called to a gang fight that was about to get very heated. No guns this time, just knives and brass knuckles. I suggested we all sit in a circle and use a feelings chart to determine what had brought us all to that place. I did not, of course, suggest that why I was there was for some inherently better or more virtuous purpose, and I think they really got it! They stopped fighting each other and stole my wallet, instead. Progress.

It was yesterday, my third day on the job, when things really got dicey. There were reports of revolutionary redistribution of corporate assets, which used to go by the patently racist name “looting.” I consulted my Rapid Response Social Worker app, and it advised me to start gently chanting, “Hope is the thing with feathers.” Dickinson. It’s a technique that was developed in Denmark to deescalate harmful situations with poetry.

The rest is a blur. There were a few baseball bats to the legs. A large glass bottle of something sticky, organic maple syrup maybe, was smashed on my head. People were kicking me in the ribs, and I saw a few people fighting over a Ralph Lauren down comforter they were steali… I mean redistributing. The comforter ripped, there was chaos everywhere, and when I woke up in the ambulance, well, I was the thing with feathers.

This morning when I woke up, my supervisor was right there next to my bed. I thought maybe xir had brought flowers or one of those shiny balloons from the hospital gift shop. But actually xir had a long complaint form, detailing the ways in which I had failed in my job and failed the collective community. I was still kind of groggy. I didn’t catch it all, but something about failure to recognize and ameliorate systems of oppression. Which, I mean, yeah probably.

I’m not giving up though. Nobody said this would be easy. They also didn’t say it would put me in the ICU, but that’s beside the point. We are creating a better world — one where police, the real criminals, no longer exist, and more equitable forms of community support for need-based compelled law suggestion can thrive. Are we there yet? No, but once I’m out of the hospital and off suspension, I’ll be right back to work making America a better place.

Social Justice - oh boy!!!  CAN'T hardly wait!!!  

I can't wait for the day that they defund the police and calls go unanswered... Then people will be like where are the cops? Why are they not answering the damn phone, I have someone trying to break in, trying to hurt me, trying to kill me and I need protection and there will be none and all because the dipshit dems of the country wanted to defund the police.
Now I know defunding the police doesn't mean that they are getting rid of the police all together, it just means they are cutting back on personnel which makes more work for the cops that remain and defunding the police also means that they are taking money away from necessities like body armor, newer and better equipment and vehicles. It means if a cop needs better gear he will have to buy it him or herself. Defunding the police pretty much means that eventually the cops that remain will eventually get fed up and walk away from the job and then there won't be anyone else wanting to do the job and eventually as the force numbers dwindle there will be no cops AT ALL. Yes, defunding police don't mean you take the cops off the beat all at once but it does mean it usually is a trickle down effect and then we eventually have none and will have to defend on our own and I'm OK with that. Because then I can use the criminal bodies outside my home to build a security wall. LMAO

"Police" are the BEST thing that ever happened to the criminal.  Police have rules of engagement.  They need warrant from a judge - they knock and announce themselves before they enter (in MOST cases) - they hafta read you your "rights" - they make sure the cuffs aren't too tight - & they take you to a nice, air-conditioned jail, with three squares a day & cable TV, where you can even earn your Bachelors degree on the public dime!

Yes sir... the POLICE, are the criminal's best friend!  Because if the police are de-funded & abolished, and policing is left to WE THE PEOPLE... they won't get ANY of those niceties, or kid glove treatment.

Criminals will be entitled to a BULLET.  Survivors, will be entitled to a SECOND bullet.